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Hello to you all

Welcome to ZenCentre’s blog, a created space where I can pick topics that may help you or where you can make suggestions on topics that may interest you. All the subjects I write about will relate to forming good relationships and adopting great communication between yourself and your partner. In the blog this month, I talk about dealing with sexual issues or the lack of sexual activities between you and your partner.

Research shows its normal for sex to decline in a long term relationship, but that doesn’t mean you give up trying. If you find yourself worrying on this issue, then it is a good sign. It means you are willing to work on the problems head on. While there is evidence to show that sexless relationships are more likely to struggle before breaking down, the biggest factor is actually indifference to the situation.

Lots of couples get on really well without sex. For many people, sex may not be the most important thing in a long term relationship. For others however, sexual intimacy is the most important difference between friendship and romantic relationship. This is what binds us together with our partners. It can relieve stress, it reminds us that we are loved and makes us feel attractive emotionally to our partners.

Why a partner may not want sex

  • Tiredness from looking after children or from being at work

  • Perhaps sex has become “same old, Same old” and there seems to be no excitement

  • Loss of confidence, depression, anxiety, stress, weight gain or emotional problems can all have a great effect on how you view yourself

  • Conflict between partners – many unresolved issues can get in the way of the need for intimacy

  • Physical or medical conditions, which may not have been diagnosed

Whatever the issue, sex can be a delicate matter. Be nice to yourself and be kind as well as sensitive to your partner when discussing it, but keep in mind that indifference will not help the situation. Try and address this as soon as you can.

  • Talk about it – improve communication and give you and your partner an opportunity to share how they feel and what they want

  • Date night – make an effort, get dressed up and get a little romantic. Remind each other why you love spending time together

  • Ban sex for a while – I know that seems to be a little backward and counterproductive, but it can take the pressure away as you both rediscover your intimacy

  • Try some non – sexual activities – go have a candle lit bath together or learn to massage each other

  • Try something new – talk about trying something a little out there or creative or even a little role play. Have fun with one another, laugh at the ideas and don’t take anything too seriously. Giggle and create space were closeness and confidence can develop between you both

  • Look after yourself – start eating well and get in shape. Get your “sexy back” as when you feel good others can see your confidence and that is sexy as well as inviting

  • Stop the pressure – if you are just not in the mood or tired….then leave it for another day

When two people are together for a long amount of time, sex can become stale and can lack a sense of spontaneity. It may not feel romantic scheduling sex, but it can be fun to plan something from time to time.

0ne more very important point for my ladies out there. Yes, we all love to feel wanted and feel that someone is making an effort to show us how special we are to them, but remember men need the same kind of effort just slightly different. If you wait for your man to initiate sex all the time, why not mix it up a bit and you take the lead. “He needs to...before he gets” is such a negative way to look at a man that wants you and please get off that pedestal!! Men need to know you are interested in them sexually, they don’t want to feel like a sex pest all the time. Men can feel rejected by a lack of enthusiasm or a dismissive attitude, so be careful not to hurt their feelings. We live in such modern times, don’t you think it’s about time you showed your man what’s in your bag of tricks?

Thank you for reading,

Zena Finn

Couples Counsellor


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