Zena FinnShe wants a divorce, but I don’t
Updated: Mar 27, 2021
Hello and welcome to all my lovely readers and new comers,
This months blog is about not wanting to give up on a marriage or relationship, but knowing that the other person is firm on the idea.
Many of us don't read the signs or pick up the hints, until it's way too late and it can be extremely scary when we realise we may have lost our chance to save the marriage or relationship.
So you have been dealt a big blow, your wife is talking seriously about divorce. Weather you were aware that your marriage was having problems or not, the word “divorce” is a hard pill to swallow.
Why does she want a divorce?
You must first find out why she wants a divorce and there can be many reasons for this. Many studies have shown that over 60 percent of couples were happy and fought little or not at all a year before getting a divorce. So there is a chance you were taken by surprise by all of this. Take some time to look over your relationship this past year and you might see where the problem is. Some of the common reasons are:
⦁ Infidelity
⦁ Arguing too much
⦁ Getting married too young
⦁ Financial problems
⦁ Substance abuse
⦁ Domestic abuse
⦁ Health problems
⦁ Lack of support from family
⦁ Religious differences
Find out where the problem is
The best way is to be direct, if you and your partner are still on speaking terms just ask her for the reasons for wanting a divorce. But approach this carefully as not knowing her reasons, could upset her more and could make it more difficult for her to talk about her thoughts. If you want to save your marriage, you’ll need to get her to see you want to talk and listen. If she is unwilling to talk, then you need to look back on conversations she has had with you, on things she likes, dislikes, what has she asked for in the past, what has she desired, are there issues she has mentioned before. You may need time to think about your relationship and where it may have gone wrong.
What to do to win her back?
It would be great, if there was an “all in one” plan to get your wife back and your marriage back on a good path. But this is unrealistic, and not how things work. Depending on your relationship, you may find ways to improve your marriage. Here are some things you may have to consider;
Taking responsibility – it is very rare that problems within a marriage is one sided. But you will need to take a really good look at yourself and if you are a person that tries to blame others for your actions, then that’s where you need to start changing. If your wife wants a divorce due to you being unfaithful, then it’s clear what you need to take responsibility for. Once you do take responsibility, you can then try to apologise to your wife. This doesn’t mean she will forgive you there and then or believe you are learning to change, but it is a great first step.
Let her see the change – if you can see you need to change, then show her those changes and the effort you are making. You don’t need to try to be perfect, but you need to show her that these changes are not being done half-hearted and that you are serious about this.
Show her love – it is easy with the threat of divorce to be very emotional. This can lead to begging her to stay to yelling at her in frustration. This will surely work against you. Look at your past with her and how you’ve shown love in the past. Mix it up and change, as while you thought you’d been showing your wife love for years, she may have felt completely unloved by the things you hadn’t been doing. This means your natural way of showing love is not been felt. Just try these:
Acts of service – making a nice dinner. It is that simple!
Physical touch – holding hands, hugging or just simply sitting close to each other
Gifts – it doesn’t need to be a big thing. Just a little gift to say “ I noticed you like/looked at it" this is great if she has a hobby. But don't over do it, as showering her with gifts can also be seen as overbearing and could annoy her further.
Words of affirmation - don't assume she knows how you feel about her or the things that make you proud of her. Tell her!
Quality time - make time for her, take a day off when she's free. Go for a walk by the canal and stop for a glass of something. (At this time, this may not be possible, but you could do something nice in the garden or balcony.) If in the past she asked to go somewhere or complained that no one wanted to go see something with her, then make the time and arrange a day out to a place that would interest her. (You could also search on Netflix for a documentary that would interest her.) In relationships we can often become selfish, only wanting to do what we want and like and tend to forget what others are interested in. We also use excuses to get our own way, like "I'm tired, it's been a hard day at work, I don't have the energy or that's not what I'm into." Get with the program and go beyond your own needs!
Talking to a therapist - counselling can help you and your wife save the relationship and can help you underline the problems that are dominating the relationship. During couples counselling, you can also work though what skills you can develop to improve your relationship going forward. If your wife is unwilling to go to therapy, you go on your own, learn new communication skills, look at yourself and make a change. Even if your wife does not attend therapy with you, you can still learn the areas that need improvement and learn to change your thinking and actions towards your wife and the relationship.
She won't take me back
There is a chance, that you may try to save your marriage, only to learn that regardless of what you do your wife still wants a divorce. It is estimated that over 42% of marriages in England and Wales end in divorce, which shows you are not alone. Divorce is a challenging time for everyone involved and this is another time where talking to a counsellor can be helpful. A therapist can help you learn how to recover from the pain and loss, it can also help you adjust to the new normal after divorce.
This months blog was inspired by a conversation with a gentleman, who saw ZenCentre feature in Feedspot - Top 15 Counselling Blogs, Websites & Influencers in 2021, https://blog.feedspot.com/uk_counselling_blogs/ where ZenCentre listed 8th. So
thank you for reading and I hope this blog is insightful to those going through a similar experience. I wish you all luck in love and happiness.
Thank you for reading,
Zena Finn
