top of page

I don't want children, but he does

Hello lovely people, in this blog we look at one of the great issues in many relationships. Some may introduce the subject early on in a relationship, some find that over time in a relationship they grow a sense that this could be the right person to have children with and some get an overwhelming physical and emotional pull to want children.

What happens when partners have different needs? Compromising is one of the great tools in a relationship and finding a middle ground to attempt to make things work, can go a long way, yes? Unfortunately, things are not always that simple. Sometimes partners strive for different things in a relationship. Many couples work because of the differences, but not all are so successful.

In the world we live in today, we find many changes have occurred over the years when it comes to attitudes towards relationships, the role we play in them, what is possible within it and what we get out of it. This I believe comes from a freedom of sexual expression and identity, the empowerment that women now enjoy from their working/private lives, and the newfound understanding of mental health. Therefore, some partners are unsure how to approach the subject of children. You may be lucky and have found someone who desires the same dream as you in having children or in not having. The issue comes when one partner is adamant about not wanting children and the other can't see a future without them.

So what do you do when you know that children are not on the cards for you, but your partner wants children? Be truthful to yourself and ask the big questions.

  • Is not having children based on a fear of physically giving birth?

  • Can I see fostering or adopting an option?

  • Am I maternal?

  • Is it just about timing?

  • Could my feelings change with another partner?

  • Is this the right person for me?

Once you have answered these questions to yourself, you may find there is room for compromises that could lead to both partners getting what they want. But if you have come to a clear decision that you don't want children in your life, then you need to be truthful and upfront to your partner. It is unfair to avoid this conversation, you must allow your partner to know your mind so they can have their say or give their opinion. You need to allow them to see the options they have within the relationship, regarding the issue of having children. And this conversation allows both of you to seek what's best for you as an individual.

Love is beautiful and so rewarding when shared. But love is a commitment and we all need to know we are committing to the same values and life goals. If this is not the case with your relationship, I can only advise you to do what is best for you. You may find that through conversation your partner may suggest therapy, as the problem could be something to do with childhood experiences or religious beliefs that need to be resolved. Counselling covers a range of subjects relating to this and can be extremely helpful to those being held back by unhealthy attitudes or beliefs.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Zena Finn


Online Couples Counselling

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page